The booby trap

Before I even got pregnant I was pretty sure that I was going to breastfeed my baby for at least the first few months. Of course once I actually got pregnant complete strangers felt totally entitled to ask me whether I was planning on breastfeeding. And everyone had an opinion. What surprised me the most is that not everyone thought that it was such a great idea. And the biggest advocate of keeping the boobies baby-free was my mom. I was a breastfed baby. But apparently I was also a little bitch (not surprising as I am now a big one but more on that in another post). I would not latch on, I would not eat, you name it I did it. So my mom didn't have the best breastfeeding experience. Wanting only the best for her daughter as any parent does, she strongly advised me against breastfeeding. And I have to admit that as my due date approached my fear of breastfeeding grew. I went on Google and researched a million and one things that would undoubtedly go wrong when I attempt to breastfeed. I woke up at night to nightmares of breast infections, thrush and starving baby because I WAS DOING IT WRONG. But I still felt that I had to give it a try because I also googled what would happen to my baby if I didn't and that picture wasn't pretty either. According to Google he was going to be sick all the time, have lower IQ and potentially hate me for the rest of his life and have some kind of breast fetish that would impair his ability to develop meaningful relationships with women.

After the boy was born I decided that I would try it and see how it goes. But I have to admit that my heart wasn't in it. If you breastfed a baby you know that it is an agony in the beginning. We had it all. He wouldn't latch, the milk was late coming in and of course there was the nurse from hell at the hospital that took one look at my breast and announced that I was sure to get an infection (which I never did). After we came home from the hospital and the boy was still not latching I decided that I would at least try pumping and giving him breast milk in the bottle. I spent the next few days pumping for hours to get maybe half an ounce if I was lucky. At that point my husband just looked on in fear as I approached the pump that did  in fact look like some medieval torture device. On the fourth night home I wound up in the ER with blood pressure that was going through the roof and was admitted to the hospital and put on magnesium to prevent seizures. Now that was fun. As the blood pressure wasn't going sufficiently down I was told that I would have to go home on blood pressure medication and would probably not be able to breastfeed. And I was relieved! I still feel the guilt over that huge feeling of relief that washed over me when it turned out that I had a legitimate medical reason bot to breastfeed. I could quit and not feel guilty about it, right? Wrong. Not a day goes by that I don't feel guilty about it. And that guilt is not really about not breastfeeding as much as about not wanting to breastfeed, about feeling relieved when told that I couldn't.

The blood pressure issue just resolved on its own in afew days and I could go off the medication. I could breastfeed if I wanted to. Granted, by then the milk was drying up but I could have re-lactated. I didn't. And every time the boy has a cold, is lagging behind on some developmental milestone or being too fussy I start thinking "is this happening because I didn't breastfeed?".

What about you? Did you breastfeed? Did you succeed? Do you feel as a lesser mother if you didn't?

Comments

[Jennifer]

I tried and failed with both my girls. I gave it a lot of effort but it just didn't work out. The first time around we figured out later that my DD had a neck problem that made it uncomfortable for her to nurse. She went on to have major developmental delays but I never attributed it to the fact that she wasn't breast fed. this time around started out great but babe wanted to be on me 24/7 and it was ruining the dynamics of our house. DD#1 wasn't getting any attention. I was frazzled. Then it turned out that DD#2 had major gas issues with anything milk based so now we're all happy that she's on Soy formula (people tell me that is the worst thing to have her on, but I feel sane today and she giggles a lot so it couldn't be THAT bad) Thanks for letting me vent my experience. I don't regret my decision at all.

[SAJ]

I've been wanting to blog about this for a long time. But it's so controversial I'm afraid.

I am breastfeeding and I'm so glad I am but man it was the WORST in the first four or five weeks. I totally would have given up if I didn't have the most stubborn and persuasive husband in the world. He really wanted me to breastfeed and he was almost mean about it. I spent many days in tears.

Now it's easy and I love it because I'm lazy and I love how I can just whip out the boob and solve the world's problems. But I sure wish I could have known what I know now in those early days.

[allie]

I was a bit apprehensive to post about this because as you said it's such a controversial topic and so many people have such strong opinions on it one way or the other. There is no question that breastfeeding is the best for your baby and I admire people that stuck with it.